Two days ago my brother fell down the stairs. He smacked the back of his head and has a concussion. Concussions suck and concussions for guys who have brain injuries suck harder. But that's not really my thing to share, it's his.
Anyway, I found out what happened, and I peered at Elliot's pupils, then I made him call his doctor and nagged him out the door.
Then I went to the cupboard and stuffed chocolate chunk cookies into my face.
Handfuls of them. We happened to have them in the house because my sweetie got them for valentines day treats. But I probably would have made do with baking chocolate and marshmallows. You know, one step up from raw sugar.
For me worry or sad has a physical feeling, it feels like there's a gap in the dead center of my chest. It could be that once upon a time I couldn't tell the difference between the gappy hole ache and hungry; but I think that these days reaching out for the instant gratification of chew chew slurp gulch is just habit.
One of the sucky things about worry is that it is actionless. Waiting to hear how Elliot got on at the doctors is not something that can be effected by any action of mine. All I can do with that waiting is think it over and over and over and over again. It might be that the hand to mouth action feels like the doing something with my worry.
Because I don't eat a lot of sugar these days, when I do I feel... weird. Like heart racy, head achy, just done a bunch of narcotics, weird. When I was eating sugar all the time I didn't really notice it but it's possible that it always felt bad but that I couldn't tell.
Ok.
I'm done. I'm not a super big fan of doing this, you know shedding light on the ugly, scurrying-in-the-dark parts of my brain/life but for me writing things down is like idea alchemy. I'm more likely to learn from and pay attention to something that I've put in black and white.
So you guys get to hear me whine. FUN.
I don't know if I'm the only person in the world who does this or feels like this.
Feel free to chime in with the "dude... you're freaky" or whathaveyous.
Hi Erin,
ReplyDeleteFound you through Wardrobe Refashion & confess am a Lurker. So sorry to hear about your brother. Hope he's OK. Don't apologize for what you want to write, it's your blog. If I didn't want to read it, I wouldn't. Unload to your friendly, unjudgmental computer. The stress eating--I do it too, boy do I ever! 75% of women probably do and the rest are either lying or want to but have unworldly self control. Those &%#(&! It's natural to want comfort. Mmmmm chocolate will make it bearable. At least you recognize that it is habit and probably useless so the next time....? I don't know either. But a momentary lapse is understandable so don't beat yourself up about it. Take care, Naomi's Aunt
Thank you Naomi's Aunt, for your kind words. Elliot is OK, doing some lounging around and being a bit sad and cranky, but OK.
ReplyDeleteYou are not freaky. I don't know if that's good behavior, but it's totally normal. At least it is for me and most of the other women I know. And after reading the post you linked to about your brother, I kind of feel the need for something peanut buttery and chocolaty too.
ReplyDelete